Wednesday, November 11, 2009

A Stroke of Genius!

I've been doing some thinking.

Oh yeah. What about?

About my place in the world.

What do you think your place in the world is?

I think God wants me to be an inventor.

God wants you to be an inventor? Well this sounds like a calling. What would you invent?

I would like to invent a machine that would convert voice sound waves into energy.

Wow! That actually sounds like a good idea. Using acoustic engineering to convert sound waves into electricity. There is so much sound in the world. Surely an invention like this would help with the movement toward sustainable energy sources.

That's not what I said.

Well I know that isn't exactly what you said, but that's the idea right? Converting sound waves into electric energy?

No that's not the idea, Mr. Smarty Pants.

Alright now don't get saucy.

What?! I said Mr.

Okay. So what exactly are you talking about?

Well if you would listen instead of making assumptions you would have heard that I want to make a machine that will convert voice waves, not sound waves, into energy, not electricity.

I'm sorry, but, as usual, you sound stupid and a little bit crazy.

You're the one who was putting words in my mouth. I simply want to create a machine that will take the sound waves from when people talk to me, and instead of draining my energy the machine would convert those words into energy and actually give me energy.

Oh! I think I do understand. Actually, this might be genius. So when people are saying stupid things to you, instead of all that talk making you want to crawl into a hole and go to sleep, you would actually convert all of those sound waves into energy. So, you would actually be energized by inane conversations! This is brilliant. Brilliant!!! Brill... Are you asleap?

Huh... wha... Oh yeah. Sorry. I haven't invented it yet.

I don't know why I talk to you.

That makes two of us.

What?!

Nothing! I just said that I thought about the invention today, and I will have to take at least 4 years of community college to learn all the acoustic engineering that I will need to get started. So...

Alright. Well I'm going to go buy some lottery tickets because you are going to need capital and I got some good news on a fortune cookie today. So at least we have that going for us.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The danger lurking in the TV

Hey hey, why are you curled up in a ball on the floor?!

So... so scared.

Why? What happened?

Mrph phr rphr mphrinpherniph!

I can't understand anything you are saying. You are going to have to take your thumb out of your mouth. Are you crying?

You just don't understand! I was sitting here, minding my own business, watching TV when all of a sudden...

Oh no. You saw her again didn't you?

I did. And it was awful! She seems to come out of nowhere, and her face sends shivers down my spine, all the hair stands up on my arm. Then I just blacked out from the creepiness, and when I woke up I was in the fetal position, shaking and sucking my thumb.

This has gone too far! It isn't even safe to watch TV anymore. You were watching a perfectly safe, family program, and all of a sudden you were taken by surprise.

It was horrible!! She's just so creepy. So...creepy.



















So creepy

Thursday, October 15, 2009

A little bit of love.

I have feelings of love inside.

That's sweet. Who or what are you loving?

I had some strawberry cake today that I loved. I also love my wife. I love my friends. I love The Office and 30 Rock. I love that Memphis has a new mayor. I love nice people. I love mystery. And I love monkeys riding dogs.

That's a long list.

I told you that I was feeling a lot of love.

How can you love monkeys riding dogs. You have never seen it.

I know, but I just love the idea that someone out there is doing it.

Yeah I love that too. I also love milkshakes.

What are you doing?

What do you mean? We are talking about things that we love.

Oh no. I am telling you things that I love. Nobody asked about you. Can't I talk about what I'm interested in without you trying to turn it around to be about you.

Wow. Aren't you overreacting. I was just trying to have a conversation.

Well it isn't that kind of conversation. It's more of a monologue with you interrupting.

Like if you were a stand-up comic and I was heckling you.

yes.

Or like if you were giving a speech and I was in the front row and I wouldn't stop coughing or clearing my throat.

Yeah. I guess. Okay.

Or like if you were having a good dream about all the things that you love and I entered into your dream as my spirit animal (a bear of course) and I went on a rampage destroying all the things that you love with my massive paws and loud roaring mouth.

What? Wait. What are we talking about?

We were talking about how much I love bears.

Oh yeah. You do love bears.

You got that right. I love talking about the things that I love. Don't you?

I hate you.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Where have you been?

Where have you been? You haven't posted since May.

Well, things got busy when Julie and I were looking for a job. And then we were moving to Memphis and starting new jobs and I just wasn't thinking about the blog.

Hey that's cool. Lots of people get busy and can't find ten minutes to spend at a computer over the course of 6 months.

That sounds like sarcasm.

That sounds like sarcasm (spoken in a mocking tone).

Well there is no call for that. I got busy, then I just sort of forgot about it.

I'll tell you what you forgot about. You forgot about me!

Oh hey buddy I didn't forget about you.

You didn't?

No. I just bottled you up and buried you deep inside my psyche, hoping that you would never surface again.

Oh well if that's all... hey!!! You were trying to get rid of me.

Easy does it buddy, you're out now. Everything is okay now. What I want you too do is take all that anger, wrap it up in a tight little ball, push it down deep into your stomach, and don't ever let it come out again. Not ever.

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Easy pirate. What did we just talk about.

rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

No, no.

meow?

That's more like it. Now be a pal and go get me a beer. And kiss your wife for me.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Nerd v. Jock: Final Judgment

Nice try folks trying to get around voting, trying to play both sides of the aisle. You all voted even though you tried not to.

Yeah. Like Phil, just the nerdiness of his response constituted a nerd vote.

That's right, and Robert's attempt to bully me into having to make the choice myself constituted a jock vote.

And don't forget Libby's vote for Marci. That was a tricky one because it forced me to figure out which category Marci fits into. At first I didn't know how to figure this out, but after deducing that Marci's own post, even though she voted for nerds, revealed a deep and tortured resentment toward nerds I realized that Marci must fall into the jock category. Therefore, even though Marci voted for nerd, Libby voted for jock.

This leaves the count even at 2 for nerd and 2 for jock.

Yep then Jeff Lee's nerd vote put the nerds over the top, and, much to your disappointment, gave the nerds the win.

My disappointment?! I argued for the nerds!

Oh. Then much to my disappointment the nerds won 3 to 2.

Mortal Conflict!!! Nerds beat Jocks!

(This outcome of course was predestined.)

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Mortal Conflict!!!: Nerd vs. Jock

I've been contemplating for some time now a recurring segment on IBC that pits two things against each other. Given the format of this blog and how our conversations tend to turn into arguments anyway, I figured it would be fun to argue over who would win in cases of "Mortal Conflict!" Now, I know things like this have been done with animals, like Buz's Interspecies Conflict articles, but I am looking to branch out into matchups of all kinds. The kicker is that the descision will be made by people who leave comments not by me. Only the argument will be presented in the blog post, and since only 3 or 4 people comment it should be pretty easy to count. So without further a-dew here is the first instalment, "Mortal Conflict!!!: Nerd vs. Jock."

Nerd vs. jock is an age old conflict.

That's right. This universal conflict has been played out in such great movies as Revenge of the Nerds, and Revenge of the Nerds II, and Revenge of the Nerds III.

Yes, and given the examples that you yourself cite, the answer to this conflict must be that nerd beats jock.

Not so fast my friend. You are basing your conclusion on one Holywood franchise. The truth is that jock would beat the crap out of nerd 99 out of 100 times.

Wait a minute. The nerd has supperior intelect. He can do advanced calculations, and make robots, and come up with super inteligent tricks to play on the jock.

While that may be true, the fact is that in Mortal Conflict!!! there are no resources and there is no time for the nerd to utilize his intelect. The jock would quickly overcome the nerd with his superior jock speed. He would then imobilize the nerd using eather the chicken wing or nostril pull technique, or some combination of both. And finally the Jock would end the nerd with a combination of skull fracturing noogies and selfesteem shattering coments about the nerd's inablitity to get a date.

You foolish, naive, small-minded man. It doesn't matter that this is Mortal Conflict!!! The nerd will have deduced well in advance that the Jock would attack, giving the nerd plenty of time to set up boobie traps to thwart the jock's every move. There would be robots, and acordion boxing-glove guns, and super slick stuff to make the jock slip, and for the final blow... are you ready for this? The nerd would use the jock's own secret weapon against him. He would devise a trap that, when triggered, would grab the jock by his underpants and give him a wedgie so powerful that it would actually split the jock in two.

You're dreaming. First of all, in real life nobody can do this kind of stuff, even nerds. And secondly, even if a nerd was able to come up with such contraptions, he wouldn't be cool enough to put them to use. He would end up blundering into his own wedgie trap out of sheer nerd clumsiness.

No way man the clumsy stuff is just an act. The nerd would smoke the jock!

Jock wins!

Nerd wins!

Jock!

Nerd!

?

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Feeling good so far.

How are you feeling?

Pretty good I guess. why?

Well, because swine flu is sweeping the nation.

Swine flu? What is that? A new dance craze for the kids?

No, silly pants! Swine flu is a very dangerous new flu that there are relatively few cases of, but is already being called a pandemic.

Wow! That sounds really scary! So swine flu is infecting pandas all over the world and this is bad because pandas don't take medicine?

What the... What do pandas have to do with anything.

You said it was a pandemic. doesn't that mean that it infects pandas.

Dumbasssayswhat.

What?

Exactly! Pandemic doesn't have anything to do with pandas. It means that this virus is spreading around the world and it is very dangerous.

Yeah, nice try, but pandemic obviously means that it kills pandas. Otherwise why would the root word be 'Pand'. Pand is the same root for the word 'panda'. If you knew Hebrew you would know this.

That's just not at all true.

You are!

What!

Nevermind. The point is if we don't act now the pandas will continue to be persecuted by this so called alleged "swine flu". It's an age old fight between the pigs and the pandas.

Even though you are totally out of your mind on this one, I have to step in here and tell you that it isn't P.C. to say pigs. It's swine. Just because swine flu might be some kind of attack against pandas doesn't give you the right to be a pigot. (Get it? It's like bigot but with pig in it).

Yeah I get it, and it's stupid! Interspecies biological war fare is no joke.

Oh yeah?! Well neither is your rampant speciesism.

You're right. I appologize. Let's just talk about something else. Besides we should really be talking about this new H1 N1 virus that is threatening the world.

Why do I even talk to you?