Interested but Cautious

A Stroke of Genius!

2009-11-11T18:51:00.000-08:00

I've been doing some thinking.

Oh yeah. What about?

About my place in the world.

What do you think your place in the world is?

I think God wants me to be an inventor.

God wants you to be an inventor? Well this sounds like a calling. What would you invent?

I would like to invent a machine that would convert voice sound waves into energy.

Wow! That actually sounds like a good idea. Using acoustic engineering to convert sound waves into electricity. There is so much sound in the world. Surely an invention like this would help with the movement toward sustainable energy sources.

That's not what I said.

Well I know that isn't exactly what you said, but that's the idea right? Converting sound waves into electric energy?

No that's not the idea, Mr. Smarty Pants.

Alright now don't get saucy.

What?! I said Mr.

Okay. So what exactly are you talking about?

Well if you would listen instead of making assumptions you would have heard that I want to make a machine that will convert voice waves, not sound waves, into energy, not electricity.

I'm sorry, but, as usual, you sound stupid and a little bit crazy.

You're the one who was putting words in my mouth. I simply want to create a machine that will take the sound waves from when people talk to me, and instead of draining my energy the machine would convert those words into energy and actually give me energy.

Oh! I think I do understand. Actually, this might be genius. So when people are saying stupid things to you, instead of all that talk making you want to crawl into a hole and go to sleep, you would actually convert all of those sound waves into energy. So, you would actually be energized by inane conversations! This is brilliant. Brilliant!!! Brill... Are you asleap?

Huh... wha... Oh yeah. Sorry. I haven't invented it yet.

I don't know why I talk to you.

That makes two of us.

What?!

Nothing! I just said that I thought about the invention today, and I will have to take at least 4 years of community college to learn all the acoustic engineering that I will need to get started. So...

Alright. Well I'm going to go buy some lottery tickets because you are going to need capital and I got some good news on a fortune cookie today. So at least we have that going for us.

The danger lurking in the TV

2009-10-21T20:59:00.001-07:00

Hey hey, why are you curled up in a ball on the floor?!

So... so scared.

Why? What happened?

Mrph phr rphr mphrinpherniph!

I can't understand anything you are saying. You are going to have to take your thumb out of your mouth. Are you crying?

You just don't understand! I was sitting here, minding my own business, watching TV when all of a sudden...

Oh no. You saw her again didn't you?

I did. And it was awful! She seems to come out of nowhere, and her face sends shivers down my spine, all the hair stands up on my arm. Then I just blacked out from the creepiness, and when I woke up I was in the fetal position, shaking and sucking my thumb.

This has gone too far! It isn't even safe to watch TV anymore. You were watching a perfectly safe, family program, and all of a sudden you were taken by surprise.

It was horrible!! She's just so creepy. So...creepy.

So creepy

A little bit of love.

2009-10-15T19:09:00.000-07:00

I have feelings of love inside.

That's sweet. Who or what are you loving?

I had some strawberry cake today that I loved. I also love my wife. I love my friends. I love The Office and 30 Rock. I love that Memphis has a new mayor. I love nice people. I love mystery. And I love monkeys riding dogs.

That's a long list.

I told you that I was feeling a lot of love.

How can you love monkeys riding dogs. You have never seen it.

I know, but I just love the idea that someone out there is doing it.

Yeah I love that too. I also love milkshakes.

What are you doing?

What do you mean? We are talking about things that we love.

Oh no. I am telling you things that I love. Nobody asked about you. Can't I talk about what I'm interested in without you trying to turn it around to be about you.

Wow. Aren't you overreacting. I was just trying to have a conversation.

Well it isn't that kind of conversation. It's more of a monologue with you interrupting.

Like if you were a stand-up comic and I was heckling you.

yes.

Or like if you were giving a speech and I was in the front row and I wouldn't stop coughing or clearing my throat.

Yeah. I guess. Okay.

Or like if you were having a good dream about all the things that you love and I entered into your dream as my spirit animal (a bear of course) and I went on a rampage destroying all the things that you love with my massive paws and loud roaring mouth.

What? Wait. What are we talking about?

We were talking about how much I love bears.

Oh yeah. You do love bears.

You got that right. I love talking about the things that I love. Don't you?

I hate you.

Where have you been?

2009-10-07T20:06:00.000-07:00

Where have you been? You haven't posted since May.

Well, things got busy when Julie and I were looking for a job. And then we were moving to Memphis and starting new jobs and I just wasn't thinking about the blog.

Hey that's cool. Lots of people get busy and can't find ten minutes to spend at a computer over the course of 6 months.

That sounds like sarcasm.

That sounds like sarcasm (spoken in a mocking tone).

Well there is no call for that. I got busy, then I just sort of forgot about it.

I'll tell you what you forgot about. You forgot about me!

Oh hey buddy I didn't forget about you.

You didn't?

No. I just bottled you up and buried you deep inside my psyche, hoping that you would never surface again.

Oh well if that's all... hey!!! You were trying to get rid of me.

Easy does it buddy, you're out now. Everything is okay now. What I want you too do is take all that anger, wrap it up in a tight little ball, push it down deep into your stomach, and don't ever let it come out again. Not ever.

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Easy pirate. What did we just talk about.

rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

No, no.

meow?

That's more like it. Now be a pal and go get me a beer. And kiss your wife for me.

Nerd v. Jock: Final Judgment

2009-05-08T20:18:00.000-07:00

Nice try folks trying to get around voting, trying to play both sides of the aisle. You all voted even though you tried not to.

Yeah. Like Phil, just the nerdiness of his response constituted a nerd vote.

That's right, and Robert's attempt to bully me into having to make the choice myself constituted a jock vote.

And don't forget Libby's vote for Marci. That was a tricky one because it forced me to figure out which category Marci fits into. At first I didn't know how to figure this out, but after deducing that Marci's own post, even though she voted for nerds, revealed a deep and tortured resentment toward nerds I realized that Marci must fall into the jock category. Therefore, even though Marci voted for nerd, Libby voted for jock.

This leaves the count even at 2 for nerd and 2 for jock.

Yep then Jeff Lee's nerd vote put the nerds over the top, and, much to your disappointment, gave the nerds the win.

My disappointment?! I argued for the nerds!

Oh. Then much to my disappointment the nerds won 3 to 2.

Mortal Conflict!!! Nerds beat Jocks!

(This outcome of course was predestined.)

Mortal Conflict!!!: Nerd vs. Jock

2009-05-03T20:27:00.000-07:00

I've been contemplating for some time now a recurring segment on IBC that pits two things against each other. Given the format of this blog and how our conversations tend to turn into arguments anyway, I figured it would be fun to argue over who would win in cases of "Mortal Conflict!" Now, I know things like this have been done with animals, like Buz's Interspecies Conflict articles, but I am looking to branch out into matchups of all kinds. The kicker is that the descision will be made by people who leave comments not by me. Only the argument will be presented in the blog post, and since only 3 or 4 people comment it should be pretty easy to count. So without further a-dew here is the first instalment, "Mortal Conflict!!!: Nerd vs. Jock."

Nerd vs. jock is an age old conflict.

That's right. This universal conflict has been played out in such great movies as Revenge of the Nerds, and Revenge of the Nerds II, and Revenge of the Nerds III.

Yes, and given the examples that you yourself cite, the answer to this conflict must be that nerd beats jock.

Not so fast my friend. You are basing your conclusion on one Holywood franchise. The truth is that jock would beat the crap out of nerd 99 out of 100 times.

Wait a minute. The nerd has supperior intelect. He can do advanced calculations, and make robots, and come up with super inteligent tricks to play on the jock.

While that may be true, the fact is that in Mortal Conflict!!! there are no resources and there is no time for the nerd to utilize his intelect. The jock would quickly overcome the nerd with his superior jock speed. He would then imobilize the nerd using eather the chicken wing or nostril pull technique, or some combination of both. And finally the Jock would end the nerd with a combination of skull fracturing noogies and selfesteem shattering coments about the nerd's inablitity to get a date.

You foolish, naive, small-minded man. It doesn't matter that this is Mortal Conflict!!! The nerd will have deduced well in advance that the Jock would attack, giving the nerd plenty of time to set up boobie traps to thwart the jock's every move. There would be robots, and acordion boxing-glove guns, and super slick stuff to make the jock slip, and for the final blow... are you ready for this? The nerd would use the jock's own secret weapon against him. He would devise a trap that, when triggered, would grab the jock by his underpants and give him a wedgie so powerful that it would actually split the jock in two.

You're dreaming. First of all, in real life nobody can do this kind of stuff, even nerds. And secondly, even if a nerd was able to come up with such contraptions, he wouldn't be cool enough to put them to use. He would end up blundering into his own wedgie trap out of sheer nerd clumsiness.

No way man the clumsy stuff is just an act. The nerd would smoke the jock!

Jock wins!

Nerd wins!

Jock!

Nerd!

?

Feeling good so far.

2009-04-29T21:44:00.000-07:00

How are you feeling?

Pretty good I guess. why?

Well, because swine flu is sweeping the nation.

Swine flu? What is that? A new dance craze for the kids?

No, silly pants! Swine flu is a very dangerous new flu that there are relatively few cases of, but is already being called a pandemic.

Wow! That sounds really scary! So swine flu is infecting pandas all over the world and this is bad because pandas don't take medicine?

What the... What do pandas have to do with anything.

You said it was a pandemic. doesn't that mean that it infects pandas.

Dumbasssayswhat.

What?

Exactly! Pandemic doesn't have anything to do with pandas. It means that this virus is spreading around the world and it is very dangerous.

Yeah, nice try, but pandemic obviously means that it kills pandas. Otherwise why would the root word be 'Pand'. Pand is the same root for the word 'panda'. If you knew Hebrew you would know this.

That's just not at all true.

You are!

What!

Nevermind. The point is if we don't act now the pandas will continue to be persecuted by this so called alleged "swine flu". It's an age old fight between the pigs and the pandas.

Even though you are totally out of your mind on this one, I have to step in here and tell you that it isn't P.C. to say pigs. It's swine. Just because swine flu might be some kind of attack against pandas doesn't give you the right to be a pigot. (Get it? It's like bigot but with pig in it).

Yeah I get it, and it's stupid! Interspecies biological war fare is no joke.

Oh yeah?! Well neither is your rampant speciesism.

You're right. I appologize. Let's just talk about something else. Besides we should really be talking about this new H1 N1 virus that is threatening the world.

Why do I even talk to you?

Jeff Lee

2009-04-24T18:45:00.000-07:00

A week ago Jeff Lee was crying like a baby with a diaper rash and gas because we hadn't mentioned him in our blog yet.

I saw that. Well, you know, we can't indulge his "everything is all about me, why doesn't everyone think about me whenever they write anything anywhere" nessitude.

Okay. I mean, we don't have to mention him on the blog, but do we have to be so mean about it?

Was that too much?

Well, it was a little harsh, considering our past with Jeff.

Your right. Those magical autumn afternoons in the Columbia bookstore were a special time for both of us.

Special indeed.

Indeed.

Okay. So it's settled. We won't mention Jeff in the blog, but we won't be mean about it just because Jeff reminds us of a 30 something year old crying baby wearing a big adult diaper full of poo, and one of those lacy baby bonnets.

Right.

Man I love Jeff!

Yeah me too.

2009-04-16T20:25:00.001-07:00

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yes!

Fat and Happy

2009-04-15T19:04:00.000-07:00

I'm fat and happy.

I know. It's because we ate Mexican food tonight. 3 shrimp tacos.

I freekin' love tacos!

I love tacos too!!!

If I had to choose between a really good desert and a taco, I would choose the taco.

Yeah, and if I had to choose between getting a good night of sleep and a taco, I would choose the taco.

Oh yeah. If I had to choose between a room full of bunny rabbits and a taco, I would choose the taco.

Well if I had to choose between $1000 and a taco I would choose the taco!

That is really stupid.

What? I thought we were trying to say the best thing we would give up for a taco.

Yeah, but if you had $1000 you could buy a taco, and still have $997 left. In fact you could buy all the tacos you want.

Or maybe I could buy the fanciest taco ever. The shell would be covered in gold leaf, and it would be filled with bald eagle meat. The cheese would be made from lioness milk. And it would be served by a trained monkey in a tuxedo and would come with a side of refiried beans and rice.

You know, even though that sounds really expensive, it doesn't sound very good.

I know. Some things you just can't improve that much. God made apples, oranges, and tacos to be perfect just the way they are.

Amen. So what are we going to do with the rest of that $1000?

We could still try to get some of the bald eagle meat.

Stop it right now!

Wedding blowout 2009

2009-04-06T20:36:00.000-07:00

Hey we sure did have fun at Kathy and Nick's wedding didn't we?

We sure did! And I think Julie had fun too.

She definitely had fun at the reception. I don't think she was having fun the day after.

Yeah, I think the wine was tainted.

Tainted?

Yep. Tainted.

You don't think it was just the volume of wine that gave her a headache?

Nope. I think it was tainted wine.

Okay, well that is an interesting theory that only you have.

Thanks. I think you are pretty smart too.

So...

So what?

So aren't you going to talk about what's bothering you?

Nothing is botherin...

Hold it right there buddy. You can't hide your feelings from me. Come on now. Let it out.

Okay. Your obviously talking about the way that Tom and Robert were judging me at the bar the night before the wedding.

That's right. I knew that you had been hurt by that. It was when they called you out for not keeping up with your blog wasn't it? Their judging judgmentalism over your blog neglect has been bothering you all weekend.

Well, you are half right. It was their judging judgmentalism that bothered me, but it didn't have to do with the blog.

What was it then?

Didn't you see how they were both wearing checkered polo shirts with the little horse man on them? They were silently making fun of me for wearing a plain white shirt with a pocket and no horse man. Their eyes were looking at me with disgust while they congratulated each other with their eyes for their own fancy polo shirts. Then they used their eyes to call me names like, "Plain Shirt McShirtenstien" and "No horse loser" and "Dummy".

You could really read all that in their eyes?

Yep.

Wow! To me it just looked like they were hanging out having a good time.

Their eyes were Judgy McJudgingstiens toward my shirt.

I think you are way off.

Well maybe I am... but what if I'm not. What if I'm dead on?

Mysterious Body Hair

2009-03-17T17:52:00.000-07:00

What's that?!

Oh you're very observant. That, my friend, is my special secret anti-elbow hair.

Your "anti-elbow hair"? What does that mean?

Well, your anti-elbow is the part of your arm on the opposite side of your elbow. What else would you call it? Besides, it isn't just on the other side of the elbow; it's locked in a never ending struggle with the elbow to do the opposite of what the elbow does. That is why it is called (medically) the anti-elbow.

Okay, whatever, but what about that freaky hair?

You mean this light hair that is so light that it is barely visible to the human eye, yet it is 4 times longer than any of the other hairs on my arm, and it is growing out of my anti-elbow? Is that the freaky hair you are asking about?

Yes!

Well I don't know why it is there or why it is so long, but I do believe that I derive all my strength from this hair, so I must keep it protected at all costs. If, for instance, a woman were to seduce me, and convince me to tell this secret, and then cut the hair, I would lose my strength.

You know you could probably stand to pluck that creepy thing.

Did you not hear a word I just said?! I would lose my strength!

Yeah, I heard you. It's just that...

What?! What is it just?!

Well, you're not that strong. I just don't think it would be a huge loss.

That's it! We're in a fight! :# And for your information, that colon and number sign I just typed is supposed to be an angry face, like this :) but angry. I just don't know which keyboard character to use for an angry mouth.

Okay, freaky anti-elbow hair man.

:# :# :# :#

My Blue Period

2009-03-14T13:39:00.001-07:00

I'm in a bad mood.

Yeah, me too. Why are you in a bad mood?

I don't know, but I was just trying to make a grilled cheese sandwich with shredded cheese and when I tried to put the sandwich in the pan all the cheese fell out. That almost sent me over the edge.

Thank goodness Julie was there to salvage the sandwich and send you away to sulk in your chair.

Yeah. Thank goodness. Otherwise I would have turned into the Hulk, ripped my shirt off, and destroyed my kitchen along with any roach or silverfish that tried to stand in my way. So why are you in a bad mood.

I don't know, I think it's just a general feeling of funkiness.

That makes sense, you smell like general funkiness.

Thanks.

Uh oh. Things are starting to look up for me. Julie just brought me a grilled cheese sandwich. It even has more cheese in it than I originally put in it. This day might just turn out alright after all.

Amen. Let's eat.

Friday Night

2009-03-13T18:18:00.000-07:00

Hey what are you doing?

I'm watching Mission Impossible 3 and drinking a beer.

MI3!? I thought you didn't like Tom Cruise.

I don't, but I'm kind of bored, and everyone in this movie seems to be walking around with a smirk on their faces like they know that this movie is ridiculous. Tom Cruise doesn't bother me so much when he isn't trying to take himself too seriously.

I have to tell you, that doesn't sound good.

Your right it's not good.

Where is Julie? Why don't you guys play a game or write, direct and star in your own skit about living in outerspace?

Julie's out with here friends. I wasn't invited. It's okay... no really it's okay.

I didn't say that I thought it wasn't okay.

It's just that I really do want to put on a skit, maybe a musical number, and Julie's not here and the dance numbers don't work with just one person. I'm supposed to run and jump into her hands, and she is supposed to lift me over her head and spin me around like some kind of glorious spinning bird with tights on. Now when I jump there is no one to catch me and I fall and bust my nose every time. It's just not fair!

Are you crying?

No! You are!

What!?

Ooh! Never mind. Mission Impossible 3 is back on! I love Tom Cruise! See ya.

It Begins

2009-03-02T12:33:00.000-08:00

Hey you! Yeah, you in the red shirt with the blue lines on it. What do you think you're doing?

I'm starting a blog. What does it look like?

You've tried this before. You know you won't keep up with it. You know you won't be able to find anything to say. What makes you think this one will be any different.

A-hah! I'm glad you asked. This one will be different because I won't be going it alone. You are going to help me. We will have conversations, and I will type them up and put them on this blog.

Why?

Why not?

Okay, so what are we going to talk about: religion, politics, sports, pop culture?

Not necessarily, but I won't rule those things out. We're just going to talk, just like this. In fact this convo is going on the blog.

Alright. Well, it sounds pointless to me, but go ahead. We'll see what comes out.

Great! Now let's go take a nap. This is hard work.